What is SEX?

 

Think you know all there is to know about sex?  Think again.  Most people have a very limited definition of sex.  The dictionary defines sex as follows:

 

sex (sks)

n.

1.

         a. The property or quality by which organisms are classified as female or male on the          basis of their reproductive organs and functions.

         b. Either of the two divisions, designated female and male, of this classification.

2. Females or males considered as a group.

3. The condition or character of being female or male; the physiological, functional, and            psychological differences that distinguish the female and the male.

4. The sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself in behavior.

5. Sexual intercourse.

6. The genitals.

 

 

Once you get past the first three definitions of the word which refer to gender, you are left with the four basic concepts of “urge,” “instinct,” “intercourse” and “genitals.”  It’s no wonder we have such a narrow definition of sex.  Our culture and our language not only reflect perceptions – they shape them. 

 

But is sex just an urge or instinct?  And is sex limited to intercourse or our genitals?

 

First, let’s address the idea that sex always involves our genitals.  It doesn’t.  BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism) are forms of sexual behavior.  Although some forms of BDSM do in fact involve the genitals of one or more participants, many forms of BDSM do not involve the genitals at all.  Tantra can also utilize genital contact of one form or another, but often does not.  Many forms of tantric sex take place fully clothed without any physical contact at all.

 

And it follows that if some forms of sex such as BDSM and Tantra do not involve our genitals, they certainly do not involve sexual intercourse either.  So defining sex as sexual intercourse is completely outdated and inaccurate.  Most of us know this although there seemed to be some confusion about it during Bill Clinton’s presidency.  In fact, since the President swore under oath that he “did not have sex with that woman,” and it was later revealed that he had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, an entire generation of USA children entered puberty convinced that oral sex was not sex.  And since oral sex was not sex, these pre-teens and teenagers decided they didn’t need to practice safer sex during oral sex.  As a result, grade schools and junior high schools experienced a marked increase in the incidence of gonorrhea of the throat.

 

This highlights just how powerful an effect our definitions of a given word can have on human behavior.  It also affects our legal system. For instance, rape is usually defined as penile penetration of a vagina.  If a foreign object is used to penetrate a vagina it is labeled sodomy as are all forms of anal penetration and oral sex.  With these types of distinctions, our words shape our prejudices so that rape becomes a particular physical act rather than a category of abuse.  And although a rape survivor may be convinced of her or his violation regardless of the “sex” act involved, in many instances the law will not attach the same penalties for perpetrations which involve acts labeled as sodomy or “molestation” as those imposed for penile penetration of a vagina.  Also by labeling perpetrations against children “sexual molestations” instead of rape, we spare ourselves the full impact suffered by the victim. 

 

In my own family I have encountered great resistance to calling what my father did to my sister rape.  Yes, the family concedes, what Dad did was wrong, but calling it rape just seems too extreme.  Sexual molestation sounds better to my family.  In this particular instance, penile penetration of a vagina is suspected but not confirmed and consequently, the crime seems less severe to everyone but my sister and me.

 

Such is the extent to which we shape perceptions, control feelings and modify behavior with words.  So what happens if we expand our definition of the word sex? 

 

As a first step, we need to distinguish acts of violence which employ what appear to be sexual acts from sex.  For at least two decades now, women’s rights organizations have defined rape as violence.  Research has established that the rapist does not rape for sexual gratification but rather for emotional gratification in the form of a sense of power over another person.  Many rapists do not even achieve a sexual climax while perpetrating their crimes.  The needs which rape satisfies for the rapist are not primarily sexual.

 

So, what appears to be sexual can in fact be non-sexual.  Likewise, some activities which appear non-sexual are in fact forms of sex.  Tantra is a wonderful example of the latter.  Two people seated across from each other fully clothed and breathing while gazing into each other’s eyes may not seem sexual to the casual observer.  But having engaged in this form of sex I can attest to the fact that this seemingly non-sexual behavior can achieve a very sexual outcome including the sensation of being penetrated and mind-blowing fire breath orgasms.

 

As I have delved deeper into Tantric Sex, my definition of sex has expanded in one direction while narrowing in another.  Much of what passes for sex in our current culture is in fact forms of violence parading as sex.  You might ask yourself if the “sexual” images popular media assaults you with on a daily basis actually cause you to become sexually aroused.  If you stop to notice your physical and emotional response, you might be surprised to find that you are in fact feeling more competitive and insecure than turned on. 

 

Of course the two can and often do become conflated.  I use to feel sexually aroused by rape fantasies.  Just for the record, as a sex educator and sexologist, I believe all sexual fantasies can be a healthy expression as long as the person having the fantasy is comfortable with it.  In my case, I was not comfortable with my rape fantasies as they became increasingly violent and I found this emotionally disturbing.  It still led to great orgasms.  But afterward, I felt unhappy and sad.

 

In time, I came to understand my own need to control the fantasized violence and thereby achieve a sense of power over my fear of being hurt and humiliated.  Eventually, I moved away from rape fantasies which left me feeling empty inside and toward life affirming and empowering fantasies which infused me with joy and a sense of freedom.

 

And what of the dictionaries’ assertion that sex is an “urge” or “instinct?”  There is some truth to this.  After all, if we didn’t have the urge or instinct to have sex we might fail to procreate.  Scientists have established procreation as the most primal of all our drives.  But if we reduce sex to “just” an urge or instinct, we miss the complexity and beauty which is sex.  So sex is an urge and instinct AND it is a doorway to connection, intimacy and spirituality.  Sex can even lead to spiritual transcendence. 

 

This is not new knowledge.  Ancient civilizations knew this to be true.  Sacred sex and sacred prostitution predate the Bible.  Unfortunately, we have looked at sex as nothing more than a physical act for so long; it feels unfamiliar and strange to think of sex as spiritual.

 

Our narrow definition of sex doesn’t help matters.  If however, we think of sex as energy rather than a specific menu of physical activities, then sex takes on an entirely different dimension.  We already know sex is a powerful energy which can create life and bond people.  Now imagine sex as the amazing energy behind every creative and inspired activity in the universe.  In fact, imagine sex is why there is a universe.  After all, don’t you think the “big bang theory” sounds a bit sexual?  Certainly the idea of certain elements and energies coming together in a big explosion which spawns entire galaxies and life itself sounds sexual to me.

 

But lest you find this too ethereal, let’s come back to earth.  Tantra teaches us about Kundalini energy.  This is sexual energy which resides at the base of our spine.  It can be awakened with some very interesting outcomes.  For instance there is a phenomenon called kriyas, which is a spontaneous involuntary muscle contraction or spasm (not be confused with the practice of cleansing kriyas).

 

In his book, Words From the Soul: Time, East/West Spirituality and Psychotherapeutic Narrative (New York: SUNY Press, 1998), Stuart Sovatsky makes a connection between Kundalini or pranic awakening and what he calls its cross-tradition similars: spontaneous spinal rockings known in Judaism as davening and in Sufisim as zikr; the "taken-over" gyrations of gospel "holy ghost" shaking and dancing and charismatic/Pentecostal "manifestations"; the Dionysian "revel"; Quakerism’s and Shakerism's autonomic quaking and shaking; Tai Chi guided by chi itself; the shamanic trance-dance; Buddhism’s and Raja Yoga’s effortless "straight back" (uju-kaya) meditation; the yogically derived ecstatic belly-dance and Flamenco; and the full-bodied, spontaneous Reichian "reflex.”

 

This perspective affords a more inclusive approach to spiritual enlightenment as we realize what these disparate traditions have in common.  Given the often negative and shaming approach to sex of several of these religious traditions, I find it humorous that they all share the awakening of the sexual Kundalini energy as a benchmark for spiritual attainment.

 

We have been misled to believe that certain forms of violence are sex.  The fact is that violence is violence – not sex.  No matter how you perpetrate violence, it is violence.  This applies to sexual harassment, date rape and stranger rape.  But it also applies to sexual imagery which is designed to make you feel insecure and less than. 

 

I am not indicting graphic sexual images with that statement.  I happen to produce and sell DVD’s which are considered pornographic.  But if you view my porn, you won’t feel assaulted.  It isn’t easy to feel assaulted when you are viewing people who love each other expressing that love in whatever way they choose.  I am not speaking of specific sexual acts.  Some of my porn contains BDSM.  I am referring to the energy behind our actions.

 

A lot of the sexually graphic images available to the public are laden with anger and violence.  Again, images of BDSM are not inherently violent.  Some BDSM is more loving than a typical beer commercial.  But in order to make that distinction, we need to be more educated to issues of consent and more aware of the energy involved. 

 

We have also been told that sex is something which binds us to the body and separates us from spirit.  Not surprisingly, this is diametrically opposed to the truth.  As long as you maintain a separation of sex and spirit, you will find spirituality an elusive goal.  Sex is the doorway to spirit.  Not mindless friction of genitals – but sex which is fully conscious and connected to self and creation. Spiritual awakening requires that we comprehend the unity of all.  Sexual energy is what unites all that is.